I ran away, but I couldn’t help myself in the outer world. I was helped, but not the way I wanted to. I was told I can’t run away from it all. This void in me must end. But only I have the power to end it. I have to face it….
The officer walked back to his vehicle, got in, & drove off.
There was nothing left in me. No emotion, no care in the world for anything. I stood in deep silence. There was nothing for me to even say. My inner self had be sucked into a void to where I no longer knew myself. I tried to run away from it all only to be brought right back & face the 2 people responsible for my existence. The last 2 people I wanted to see…
My mother commanded me to come to them. I thought I would get a beating of a lifetime in the parking lot by both my mother & father. However, my mother was the one that was mostly filled with anger, while my father was more so relived that I was alive & okay. I kept a small distance between us when I came.
My mother went off on me. She asked if I wanted to be treated like a crazy person for what I had done. To be sent directly to a mental institution. I said that I would rather be there to be away from everyone. And then she said that I should have killed myself jumping out that window. The most hurtful thing I’ve ever been told to my face, let alone from my own mother.
Yet, those words did not phase me at all. I would’ve thought those words would break me apart. Guess I really did have no emotion left in me to feel hurt.
My father held her back trying to calm her down as she continued to snap. She was set to take me to a mental institution, but he did not want that to happen. He was able to calm her down enough for her to return back to work while he deals with me. Right there was when I thought I’d receiving the beating from my father. However, he noticed me keeping my distance from him as he told me to come with him to his car. He said that he was not going to hit me, because it would not make the situation any better. First time I ever heard that being said compared to the times in the past where I was beat for screwing up.
We were on our way to his house. During the car ride he asked me what happened that made me run away, where I went & what happened throughout the hours I been gone. I told him everything. My mother’s lectures are what made me run away, I caught the bus & winded up heading to University of Delaware where I wandered the campus for hours until I called the police for help. I told him about my experience with the police, which he was shocked at considering that I was a trespasser & could’ve been arrested. And of course the fact that most African Americans have an unpleasant experience with the police, he was more glad that the worse did not happen.
But aside from that, my father knew there was more to this situation than meets the eye. He believed that spiritually, I was in grave trouble. That I was being sabotaged by a demon. A lust demon he believed. Because the thought of my ex was angering & frustrating me because I missed her & did not want us to be over. It pretty much sucked the emotions out of me to where my frustration led me to run away from everyone. He could see it in my eye that I was no longer myself.
My father took me to his house where I spent the night to recover a bit. He had WiFi there, so I was able to text back my friends that were worried about me telling them everything that had happened. They were glad I was safe. But little did they know I really wasn’t. Not from this inner demon that I felt sucking the life out of me. I could barely sleep that night. My mind couldn’t even be at ease to feel comfortable sleeping. I was afraid of being plagued by nightmares the whole time. I just ended up staying up watching TV & on the phone until I passed out….
The next day, my father took me out to the movies to see Avengers 2 Age of Ultron. A way of bringing some relief to the table. There was a scene in there where Hawkeye gave a bit of an inspiring speech to Wanda about how he has no idea whats going on around him but he’s just out there with a bow & arrow shooting to get by. Which would encourage Wanda to get up & begin fighting after being afraid to show the potential she carried. It was after the movie when my father spoke about that moment as a way to draw a little bit of light to my situation. It was a bit….touching I could say during the time.
But after the movie, he had to return me home to my mother. However, he asked if I wanted to come with him to a friend’s house to watch the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight later that evening. Another getaway from home, I was more than quick to say yes. He said he’d come back to get me when he’d be on his way. It was nobody but my uncle at the house at the time, so I had alone time in my room. I snuck into my mother’s room to get my tablet to take with me later. I got careless by walking around with it rather than hiding it. When she came home & saw me with it, she of course questioned why I had it & complained that I shouldn’t be doing or going anywhere because of my punishment. I ignored her & awaited my father so we could go.
When he came, I was quick to try & head out the door. But of course, my mother halts us both from leaving which causes a dispute between us with my grandmother sitting in the center on the couch. I told my mother since she said I should’ve died jumping out that window, that she should act as if I don’t exist to save us from further troubles. Yet, that could not happen in her own house let alone me ignore her & act so rebellious because I didn’t care for a thing anymore. My grandmother sat in silence looking back & forth at all 3 of us. I thought she was crying. It was one of the hardest moments to see. An angered & hurt mother, a worried father, & a lost son. My mother eventually gave up for the moment & I stepped outside awaiting for my father as he & her talked. Then we left to watch the fight.
Before my father took me back home, we sat & had another one on one talk. He said I could not keep acting this way towards my mother & even though things are messed up between all of us, the least I could do was show some respect & a little bit of care. I felt all she was focused on was me being punished & grounded for my actions, rather than how lost & troubled I was on the inside that led to me running away for the first time. Yet, it was over a girl which was all the more reason why she’s always objected the idea of me having them in high school since I should be focusing on education. That is correct of course, but you know how it is for us teenagers nowadays.
I went back home after our talk to see my grandmother sitting on the couch still. She told me everyone would be going to church tomorrow so it was mandatory that I too went. Church should be a great relief from all of this right….right?
I woke up with everyone Sunday morning, got dressed in the most casual outfit, took the phone I used for WiFi with me & off we went. I did not speak to anyone at all during the ride there & when we arrived I sat way in the back far away from my family. The church folk greeted me & asked me how I was. I lied in the house of the lord saying that I was okay. For majority of the service I was using my phone by connecting to the church’s WiFi & texting my friends & on social media. But while the pastor was preaching, I put my phone in the front pocket of my shirt & sat. I don’t remember what was being preached, but while she was speaking I caught a massive headache. I placed my hands on my head & had my head down trying to ease it, but my hands started shaking. Some of the church folk noticed & asked if I was okay. Lying again, I said I was. But the headache did not ease at all. Pretty soon, I was told by my grandmother to come as she pulled me aside & guided me to another room. My hands were still shaking as I walked.
A couple other church ladies follow us into the room & she sat me down in a chair. They were asking me what was wrong, my hands kept shaking & I did not respond. Apparently more of the church folk were aware of what was happening & grew worried. My grandmother and one of the ladies left back to calm everyone down, but in the room I was in, nobody was calm. The lady that stayed behind to watch me was trying to talk to me. But I wasn’t listening & instead I tried to get up & walk out the exit that was right next to the chair. She held onto me, telling me not to leave. I said in a very dark raspy voice “let go”. You would’ve thought I was possessed when you heard it. She kept saying she would not let go of me, & I kept telling her to. My grandmother & the lady returned just in time to see me attempt to leave. They quickly grabbed me & set me back down in the chair. The worse came out of me.
I kept telling them to let go & then I started lashing out mean growls & grunts trying to get free. They closed the door to the room trying to ease the noise, but people already heard. Soon a few more people came rushing to aid what was going on including the pastor herself & then my mother. Even my little brothers followed to see. It was like an exorcism, for as my grandmother, the pastor, & a few other church ladies were holding me calling for God to purge me from the Devil’s grasp. When I looked at my mother, who stood in deep fear, I grew more anger. One of my aunts then came & also started holding me telling me to calm down. The more anger that grew, the more I attempted to lift myself up out the chair & run. At least 5 people were holding me in place, I managed to pull myself up to almost stand until I was forced back down in the chair. My grandmother felt the phone I had in my front pocket & reached for it & took it. I grew even more angry when she did. More so because I remembered I didn’t set a password on it, so she gave it to my mother to look through & find the messages I’ve sent to my friends. I couldn’t get it back, & it fueled my rage even more.
The more I screamed, the more I tried to get free, the more I was stressing myself & the people that held me down, & the more I was scaring everyone. My mother called my father on the phone as she was crying to tell him of my breakdown. The pastor & the church people realized it was getting out of hand & that the paramedics would be called to take me away. Everyone tried to calm me down before it got to that decision, but I didn’t. My aunt tried her hardest to calm me down, because she knew once the paramedics came that they’d inject me with a needle that would knock me out had I still been screaming at the top of my lungs. And nobody would want to see that.
They opened the exit door that I tried to escape out & soon after we saw the paramedics pull up in the parking lot. My aunt demanded that I calm down before they came in. The moment I stopped screaming the adrenaline in me fell as quickly as a speeding bullet. It felt like I was passing out. The paramedics came with the stretcher & everyone lifted my drained body onto it so they could take me away. This would be my 2nd time ever being taken to the hospital in a stretcher. My mother followed & rode in the back of the ambulance while everyone else stayed behind & prayed.
I was emotionless once more, completely out of energy as I laid on the cot dozing off. After all this, I was sure I’d be going to a mental institution. My mother called my father again to let him know we’d be on our way to the hospital so he could meet us there. From the outside, it was an anxiety attack, but on the inside it felt like I was being tortured by that inner demon & that everyone was trying to save me from it. The doctors gave me a normal check up & physical. Nothing was wrong, I was just too stressed about everything to where it all the bottled up feelings & anger unleashed itself. I never did go to a mental institute, for as I wasn’t mentally crazed in the head for that to be considered. Instead I stayed with my grandfather for the remainder of my suspension. It was a long road to recovery, but a newer me in better shape came out from all that happened in the end.
Running away did very well change me. It made me become more awake than I ever was….