I am no perfect man. Never could I be, nor would it even be possible.
I look back on my life so many times. The experiences, the troubles, the struggles, the pain, some are things I could’ve prevented from happening. That is, if I was that smart enough to make the correct decisions. We all aren’t born an Einstein.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I picture the younger version of me. I was once a child full of energy & goofy. Often having trouble staying still, causing some rukus & sometimes even becoming a nuisance to some. I ask myself a lot of times: “What happened to that boy?”
Folks in my family would often tell me to sit down, don’t do this, don’t do that, stop that, stop making so much noise, etc. Of course, when you’re young, your mind isn’t quite developed to know better. So it would take a little disciplinary action to get you to understand. I’m guessing that’s where that young energized kid started to fade away as years went on.
I went from a kid that would always be jumping up & down to a person that stays in his seat & is almost silent majority of the time if not spoken to. How did that happen?
I guess I can say life took its toll on me. It was time for that child to be exposed to things that would result in a huge change.
Instead of being asked “Why are you so loud”, I’m now asked “Why are you so quiet”?
I’m quiet because I choose to be. Its not that I’m antisocial, I’m just not one to speak first unless spoken to or comfortable to do so.
Is silence a bad thing for people? I would’ve thought being loud would be more of a bad thing because of the disruption you bring to people. But to be the silent type, who would’ve thought that would be a disruption for people too?
Unless you were loud about something positive & trying to deliver a message. That is understandable.
They say the silent are the most dangerous & deadly. Probably because of what we’ve seen quiet people do. Horrific things when pushed too far. Fortunately, I am far from one of them. My silence is quite a good thing.
Having been disciplined so much for things I’ve done as a child, you tend to build self discipline within yourself that carries on for the rest of your life. What happened when done bad as a child is small talk, what happens when done bad as an adult is a definitely on a bigger scale. You become aware of things that you should & shouldn’t do. If you were told not to do something as a child, what makes it ok to be done as an adult? Sure some things are more allowed & preferred as an adult, but common sense still comes into play.
That’s a principle I tend to live by.
The change in me happened silently. It happened as I went through experiences, dealt with people, felt some emotional pains & so forth. Rather than cry out for help each time, I kept all the emotions bottled inside. It was neither a good or bad thing to do.
One thing that stuck with me while I was young was the fear of expressing myself. I still have this problem to this very day. When something was troubling me inside, I lacked the confidence to speak on it to anyone. I’d be asked a million times what was wrong & I still would not answer. I would allow them to play 20 questions with me to see if they’d find the answer themselves. But that’s selfish because they didn’t know anything since I wasn’t telling.
With that being said, it contributes to the emotions bottled inside. Some things could trigger certain emotions inside & have them boil like hot water. And with there being little to no room for those emotions to be let loose, it would further build the pressure up to a point where all hell would break loose once the cap was busted. There were many points in my life where everything almost bursted through that cap.
But there was only one time where everything did do so. That one time I’ll never forget.
From that point on, silence became a true best friend to me. I find myself at peace within it. Silence helps stimulate my senses more as well as my mind. If I stilled carried that loud mouthed trait as I had as a child, who knows if this would’ve ever developed.
I choose the path of a “lone wolf” I call it. I stand, I fight, I fall, & I get back up all alone. I don’t place my wants & needs upon anyone like I used to. As a growing man, you must learn to be able to take care of your own self & go after what you want rather than sit & rely on someone do it for you. That goes for anyone.
My emotions are at a much stable & controllable condition than they ever was. I needed no therapy, counseling or any of the sort. Its like I myself have my own way of remaining calm without resorting to talking to anyone. A lot of things that would trigger the average person could hardly have me flinch.
But if there was to be something that ignited a fire in my heart, I have grown to use my voice as an extension to show that even though I resort to silence, I still have feelings that I can express & want to be heard.
Although I’m still miles away from the rest of my life, the evolution of me will continue to happen silently….