I always remember the day we met like it was yesterday.
Had found myself with butterflies in my stomach to get to know her. Amazed at what a fine woman she became. The beauty, the wisdom, & the strong will would scream at me every time I saw her. All of which made me fall so deep.
Our communication was so blooming. The way we connected, the way we understood each other, & the way we felt about each other made everything seem so perfect. We were always eager to know more & support each other through life.
And then in the blink of an eye, it all turned into love.
The moment the feeling sparked between us, we let it show within our words. The dream we created together of a beautiful world with only us. Expressing the love that began between us in more ways than one. And then carrying the desire to make that dream into a reality.
She always knew the right words to say to make a smile run across my face. She always knew life would never be a walk in the park but a little love & support would always bring the sunshine no matter how cloudy it was.
She was perfect in my eyes. All I ever wanted in a woman. I would sometimes doubt that it was really happening. Yet, that doubt started to play a part.
She was perfect in my eyes. But looking in the mirror, was the reflection of an imperfect person. One who struggles to make the right decisions without hurting anyone in the process. We promised to never hurt each other. With her being so perfect, that would be easy for her to fulfill.
But why not so easy for me?
Why did I keep placing such a doubt on our dream becoming real? Was it because I already knew I could not keep that promise? Was I that prone to making mistakes?
That was to be so. If I wasn’t she’d still be here right?
How could I have ended up being so foolish & ruining the dream we created? I constantly said she was too perfect for me, but she knew nobody was perfect. She still wanted to be by my side no matter what. She believed I was worthy to be by hers. She had so much trust & faith in me. And she never doubted me.
But even with all of that, I still made mistakes. I still found myself inflicting her with pain. All those thoughts she had about me began to decay. She understood that I was telling the truth. But she still wanted me to prove it wrong. And I wanted to so bad, but failed.
My soul had already been tainted before I met her. I feared that my taint would infect her. I never carried any intention to bring her down into my own inner suffering, but it happened. It had a heavy grip on her, & the pain would just keep growing the more I stood next to her. How could I just let that happen?
It wasn’t right. But I didn’t want her to ever leave as we promised to never. We believed we could get through this. That I could get through this & that things would be so much better. But the light at the end of the tunnel just seemed to get farther & farther. There was no telling if we’d ever see light & peace. I was the reason why it was to be this way.
But like the strong woman shes always been, she broke out of that accursed grip that came from me. And like the smart woman shes always been, she stayed away from the source of that curse. Me.
And I kept pushing my way to get her to return but behind me was the shadow of what had her feeling all that pain. It had the same figure as me, but it was not the true me. She knew who the true me was all along, but the mistakes I made created a different me that was responsible for my downfall. Responsible for eliminating our dream.
I thought what she did was wrong. And that her giving up on everything wasn’t fair to me. But she did the right thing. I had so many chances to make things right, to purge myself from that curse before it infected her. She did the right thing & it hurt me in the process. She was not wrong.
Everything she’s ever said & done for me, from the beginning to the end, has been embedded in my brain. Every “I love you” we’ve exchanged, every hug, kiss, & so forth, to the last words I heard her say to me that almost brought me to tears. I had to look back on everything that led up to that heartbreaking point. And then understand that there were a lot of heartbreaking points I put her through before she gave a taste of my own medicine.
It was well deserved. I felt all the pain she felt at once. No amount of apologies could ever fix it.
And to never know if the thought of me runs through her mind has me hurting inside ever since. Because the thought of her always will remain in mine. The amount of regret I have for everything I’ve done to make her go away is far too tremendous. But even that won’t bring her back. She wanted to be gone forever & never look back even if that shadow is gone from me.
I would never have a chance to redeem myself. Would never have a chance to reveal the sorrow within to her. Would never have a chance to revitalize the dream we carried for so long. I am to live my life with all of these thoughts & emotions that involves someone that doesn’t want to be involved with me so long as she breathes.
I move on with my life with the everlasting memory of her.