Secret Admiration

Maybe I’m the old-fashion shy.  The one that crushes from a distance & sends subliminal messages about who my eyes have set sights on. Such as leaving a heartfelt comment or message but never making an indication that I want to be more to them. That, or making myself completely anonymous when I send the message.

I find it hard to be direct about my feelings towards someone I admire. Lack of confidence I presume. I mean, how could I have any confidence towards beautiful woman out of my league? The fear of rejection is pretty strong. Before I even try, I would beat around the bush to see if its safe to proceed into my feelings.

Jesus Steph, talk normal.

Basically, I try to find out if they have feelings for me too before I tell mine. If they have feelings, then we can set something off. If not, I leave it alone. Won’t be embarrassing myself trying to make them develop feelings when they don’t want to. Free will.

But when it comes to the person you admire, you’d want them to feel the same as you. Sometimes you ignore the possibility of rejection & go out of your way to please them. Its can be a hit or miss. They may notice you trying to prove your worth & appreciate it. Or kick your efforts to the curb because you’re not the “type” they want showing them.

In this age, a new way of showing admiration is “liking pictures” on that person’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Leaving “heart eye” emojis in the comments, or leaving sweet little messages that should make them smile. And then taking a shot into their direct messages aka, “DM’s to push your luck into something more.

The sad part about DM’s is that its meant to be a private conversation between two people. But one of them may have a different agenda. One could think the conversation is private, whereas the other could be taking notes on everything said & capturing the moments to show others. A person expressing their feelings to another & that person showing their friends laughing because they denied them.

But others make it so easy. Its as if they don’t fear rejection. They keep on going even after it. And somehow, they eventually give them a chance. A chance they seem to abuse because of them being so overzealous. They would apply so much time & effort to getting their attention to where they slack off once they fully have it.

Like applying for a job. You’re filling out applications, giving your personal information, signing off on papers, waiting for the approval, & then once you get the job, you don’t have that same energy as to when you were trying to get it. It felt like your life depended on getting the job, & now you could careless about keeping it because there are other jobs out there. And some jobs are “better” than others.

Maybe you don’t even care about the job itself but only care about what it offers.

If I don’t speak up, then someone else would take the place I want. Then they would have their chance to either bring happiness or sadness. If they bring happiness, I’d be jealous due to missing out on the opportunity to do it myself. But if its sadness, I’d feel as though it was my fault. If I stepped up before that person, it could’ve been prevented. But who knows if I would’ve still been rejected.

It sucks feeling this way. Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments where I did carry confidence to let a woman know that I admire her. And like I said, its all a hit or miss. It might eat your guts to be turned down, but the thing about that is they will remember those feelings that you expressed. Then maybe, at a later time will they want you to revive those feelings.

There are quite a lot of women I admire from a distance. Most would never know. Some may be lucky enough to find out due to the signs I gave them. Thats if I even have the confidence to give them any.

I can’t stand being this way sometimes. Because those I admire tend to get hurt by others. I’m sitting on the side telling myself “If that was me, you being hurt would be the last thing I’d allow to happen.”. But thats only if they’d stop laying their eyes on those that are not meant for them at all. No matter the looks, the titles, the products they carry. All of which means nothing if they don’t have the same emotional connection as you. Thats more valuable than anything.

The flashy cars, clothes, jewelry, all mean nothing to me. And it should never be a contributing factor to wanting more with someone. They could have it all & still be a scum of the earth. Yet, for some reason you carry hope that under all of those things is an angelic being.

Oh really? Have you found it yet? While you’re digging for that treasure you’re making a mess all over yourself. Clearly that person buried it for a reason & instead chose to display a side to keep people from trying. You’re just wasting your time.

If only the women that I admire would understand that. Then it would be much easier to let them know. When you’re different, they call you “boring” or “weird” or whatever word floats their boat. If you’re not like the average crowd or the people they’re used to then you’re a nobody.

But that is why someone like me sits alone either waiting to build up confidence to reveal myself, or awaits that magical person to present themselves to me.

Either way, they won’t know how I feel unless I know their feelings first. Or at least get some slight indication that there are some hidden feelings. I could flirt with that person all day & night. But I won’t let them know how I feel until its mutual. And if its never mutual, then we’ll either stay where we are or cease. Because I know there will be someone out there where the feeling will be mutual before we even speak.


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