It has been quite a long time hasn’t it?
A lot has happened in between that time-line I can tell you that.
A lot of changes, growth, tragedies, pain. Yet, we meet again as if we returned to the past before it all began.
Look at you all grown up. Entering adulthood just as I. Maturing in such an attractive way. Still as beautiful as I remembered.
It is….weird that you have returned. Because you, in a way, played a part in the initiation of my journey through life. The first woman that I ever loved.
The odd part of that is the fact that we were never truly together. But at the time, we did indeed share the same feelings. You were the first woman I developed a strong & deep connection with. You were the first woman that made me work to earn your trust since I neglected you for someone else. It was the right thing to do since you felt as though you were a rebound. A foolish boy I was for ever doing such a thing to you.
Those you neglect may soon have you fill up with regret. Oh what a lesson that was.
You were the first woman I even shed tears over.
I find myself wondering, would I have gone through such phases of relationships if it wasn’t for you? Would I not have been able to discover what led me to become the person I am now? Would I not have been able to receive some sored of final revelation on all the errors I have made throughout my love life?
Maybe I’m just thinking too much.
Although, a lot of things that I’ve been through & things that I have done traces back to the beginning.
If not you, who would have became my first love? Would I have ever even had one? Would I have done the same things still? Who knows. Things do happen for a reason. I see that these course of events were destined. They each tell a story about my growth. I discover different things each time I revisit those memories.
Such a foolish boy I was though. I’ve hurt those I declared love for. Lied, betrayed, even manipulated. I believed myself to be such a righteous boy yet still carried evil tendencies. And after all the pain I brought upon the ones I loved, I felt as though I deserved to be in a prison cell as a punishment.
I felt as though I did not deserve to be with anyone after all I had done. Taking accountability for my actions was a true weakness to me. Let alone making the same mistakes constantly even after being told.
I was sitting in a dark cell that I made myself. Some sored of mental prison. I looked at myself as a criminal & should rot in a cell like one. I was beating my own self down so hard since everything was my fault to begin with.
But then….a light shined. From the other side of the bars, came you. Walking toward the dark cell I was in with this….beautiful bright heavenly light behind you. As if you were bringing life to all that was dull & dead around my prison.
I could not believe it. I was in denial. I was in awe. I thought my mind was playing more tricks on me. It had been so long since you entered my life this way. Here I thought we would never meet on this level again, but….my thoughts were mistaken.
You touched the bars to my cell & made them dissolve into bright yellow sparks….like they were fireworks. And then made your way over to me with open arms allowing the heavenly light to shine upon my surrounding darkness.
I looked terrible. Rugged. Looked as though I hadn’t showered in months. I kept shaking my head & rubbing my eyes thinking I was hallucinating. But no, when you touched me, the feeling was genuine. It was real. It was like you found the prison I made & came to release me from it knowing I should never be in one. You knew who I was before the downfall I would soon face years after. You were the first to ever experience my true feelings for someone….as it was the first for me to witness myself falling in love with someone.
How I wish I could return to that time where it all began. Maybe with such knowledge I have now & better decision making so I wouldn’t have neglected you ruining the chance of us being one. Maybe one decision would’ve steered me to a different course, but thats all too far for the imagination to grasp.
Yet, I am…..glad that my path led me back to where I began. Seeing the heavenly lights shine upon me felt like a divine intervention.
You revived my broken spirit.
You revived my hope.
You revived my happiness.
You gave me the energy to break the accursed prison & escape it once & for all.
And your affection toward me makes me feel so relieved.
Because I am no longer alone anymore.
And now that I understand all my faults, I now know what I must do to never fall back into the despair I was in.
Your presence has become a true blessing to me. More than you will ever know…..