Freed from the prison I trapped myself in, yet inside I still feel like in some way I still should be back in it.
Well, I just discovered that I am still the very person in which caused me to believe I should be locked away.
I am told what I am, & yet still attempt to deny it. Justifying the accusation with reasons from the past. Yet, I always tell myself that I am always in control of me & my future. Allowing things from the past to affect me so strongly completely bypasses my own words.
All I can do is just sit & look at how damaged I still am. To think that throughout my time alone I would’ve been healed by now, I was wrong. It was like all I did was shutdown the healing process believing it wouldn’t be necessary since I would be alone. I wouldn’t have to worry about the presence of another soul wanting to bond with mine.
But to a surprise, one should know that in the world we live in, nobody is ever alone.
I was patient for a while. As time passed it wasn’t like I started wanting to rush or that my hunger was starting to get out of control. It became more of a:
“If it comes, then it comes. If not, then life goes on.”
Life goes on. It doesn’t stop or end just because something you want hasn’t shown or will never show. The emotion to care between the two becomes negated by the fact that as long as you are still alive & breathing, nothing like that should matter.
But when it does come….should you still carry that mindset? Is it wrong to still let that thought negate the desire to want to reveal your true emotions? Such as being extremely happy that what you wanted all along has finally arrived. Wanting to just throw yourself at it & not worry about anything. One would just completely lower their defense making them vulnerable to even the slightest bit of pain & have all those emotions come crashing down.
I believed this to be an opportunity for a breakthrough. To truly redeem myself for my faults & wrongdoings. But I still fall short. Still fail. Almost as if I already knew it & would just be prepared to be alone yet again.
I’ve beaten myself down to the very bone throughout the past year. It is like a trance. I see myself about to make a mistake, but don’t stop before its too late. And then I reflect later trying to make amends but the mistake proves to be fatal for us both.
Nothing I could do would heal the wound I inflicted upon them. Trying to only raises their hopes just to be crushed at a later time for failing again.
I talked about taking accountability towards actions. And while that has improved no doubt, thats only if I feel myself to be truly wrong. We all have our reasons for what we decide to do, & not everyone’s reasons will be compatible with one another. I wouldn’t call it being “selfish” for staying true to yourself & neglecting another person’s reasons, we are entitled to ourselves.
But its all in how you represent your reasoning. Overriding your reasons against another person’s is just….not polite.
Still not as good as I think I am. But thats okay. Maybe I needed to see exactly what I needed to do. Since I didn’t have the opportunity to actually test myself with someone until now, maybe I needed to hear these things to better understand what has transpired in me since my downfall.
I need to regain control of who I once was before all of this. Maybe thats why she’s here again.