I have changed.
In more ways than one.
Much more than ever before.
I welcome it.
I embrace it.
I empower it.
But what many would not expect is that deep inside, there is hatred for it.
As well as fear of it.
I constantly question myself if I have changed for the right reasons or for the wrong.
Did I change for the better or for the worse?
I find myself doing things I didn’t imagine myself truly doing. Going out, “turning up”, “getting lit”, partying, hanging out with a squad of men. I look back at videos of me & just think,
“At one point, I was absolutely nothing like this.”
I am on the verge of entering a male’s prime years.
Yet, have I gained anything from this change?
Arrogance. A lot of it so it seems.
A mind that has become more selfish than ever.
A heart that wants to show itself but allows the mind to stop it in its tracks. Too much pride in thyself to reveal the softness in my heart. Afraid of the heart being compromised once again. Not by others, but simply by the choices I would make that would leave me with a broken one.
Yet, unlike many, when I believe myself to be at fault, I acknowledge it. I feel an instant sense of regret. But thats only if I see it to be wrong. Logic is the emotional’s worst enemy.
For too long, have I allowed emotions to reign over logical thinking. Creating situations that would inflict pain upon not only myself, but others as well. Letting the emotions guide you is a dangerous thing. With there being various different feelings, how you act accordingly is always changing based upon what is felt.
Like the three primary colors, you have the three primary emotions:
Happiness, Sadness, & Anger.
If you are happy, you are positive. Filled with nothing but joy & spreading it to others. Yet, you may do whatever it takes to maintain that happiness. And that too can test how far you are willing to go to keep the happiness alive.
The moment that fades & turns into sadness, all the positivity vanishes. Almost as if a black hole sucked all the happiness out & now you’re just left in a pit of despair. And you may just sit in that pit feeling as though there isn’t anything you can do to get out of it.
If anger comes to play, irrational thinking bursts out just as the anger does. Doing the very foolish things that you would normally know not to do & be able to stop yourself. But anger ignores all of that, allowing you to tap further tap into making decisions beyond the logical thinking.
I tend to now block out emotions & allow the logic to kick in to prevent me from making foolish mistakes again. While that is good, it makes me feel…..empty. Things I should have a feeling towards aren’t present. Things that should make someone happy, sad, or angry, are neither or hard to even trigger with me. I say to myself:
“I must be drained from them.”
That is what it feels like through this change. As the days go, I grow older. As I grow older, I am constantly reminded that life is short. And as life is short, I just try to make as much progression as I can through my life before the time comes. I feel as though emotions would just set me back from making progress.
The only time I seem to be able to reveal or feel free of expressing my emotions is through writing. The gift I was granted ever since I was in the second grade. It is like a comfortable feeling putting my emotions out in the form of a story or expression through writing.
But how does one revive the emotions in the outer world? I’m not always going to be around my comfort zone to let them loose. So how do I show the people that I claim to care about that I do care? How do I show that I want to keep those I love with me if my mind tells me that regardless of who is present in my life, as long as I breathe I will always be fine?
How does one win a battle against thy heart & mind?