I feel it everyday.
I don’t know why, but it does not ever end.
They say I either walk the world with a look of frustration & anger, or a look of sadness & misery.
And I feel either or each passing day.
Yet, on the outside I say that all is well. That I’m always fine. And that I’ll always be fine so long as I am able to breathe & see light.
But the urge to let out tears has become more frequent than usually. But I can never seem to do so.
People live their lives how they want, make their own choices, & feel no sense of regret even if they were in the wrong. Believing that there was something to gain or learn from their bad situation rather than accept that it could have been prevented had they done different.
If there was something to be gained, I understand. Yet, why would you keep yourself in a bad situation & continuously suffer from the effects? Who’s to say you’d always survive each time you do that?
My life was never easy. Nobody should even be able to say it was easy. You might be more fortunate than another, you might be smarter in decision making earlier than others, but struggle is inevitable. And even the brightest can fall during struggle.
I know there are a plentiful amount of things in my life that could have taken a different turn, could have been prevented, could have been saved, could have brought a different change in me, & I constantly feel a sense of regret towards the decisions made that brought this present to me.
Its weird though. Because I do not suffer from anything like someone may. Such as actually being diagnosed with something like depression, or some sored of mental or emotional sickness. My mind is normal….well I use that term loosely. Because what is “normal”? We may come from the same kind but everything about us mentally can be far from the same.
I regret so many things. I’ve hurt people, betrayed them, manipulated them, & brought about negative changes to some. I’ve made mistakes that brought me punishments that would be an everlasting painful memory. I’ve brought pain upon my own self when all I had to do was listen & obey. I’ve allowed my own emotions to cloud my judgment to where I’ve become more & more afraid to reveal them. I had that problem as a child. Fearing of bad outcomes just from saying how I felt inside. But we all know keeping emotions bottled up leads to an explosion.
I am alone.
I am sad.
Nearly always no matter the circumstance. I could be out having the time of my life, partying, having fun with family, etc., but the sudden remembrances of my past comes later on & there I am feeling the sadness inside once more.
I find myself listening to instrumentals of songs more than ever before. Some soft, gentle, & emotional melodies that have you strongly connect with your inner self.
You ever sat in the car, hear a sad song play, & started looking out the window & imagine yourself to be in some sored of music video about your life?
Trust me, I know we’ve all done it at least once in our lifetime. I do it all the time. No shame in that at all.
I miss a lot of good times that happened, & often wish they were never ending moments. I miss some people, I miss the young boy I once was that was more energetic &….happy I should say.
I was always told that there will always be consequences for my actions. And during my youth years, it was never embedded in my brain until I began maturing. Realizing that I myself am the cause of my own regret. I made the things that have happened happen. I set a course of events that led to my struggles. And now after learning of them all & knowing I cannot return to the past with the knowledge I have now to prevent various things, I must accept the present that I created.
I am sorry to all those I’ve ever hurt. To those I have let down. To those I’ve ever disappointed.
I must accept that this is my reality. That this who I must have been destined to become. That there was indeed a lesson to be learned from all of my past mistakes. A revelation. Maybe thats why I’m constantly looking back at my past to understand why things went about. Trying to decipher whether or not if I would have became the same as I am now.
I do not believe that I would. And if there truly was to be a different present from that, would it be a better one than this one?
Yet, I will not ever regret being who I am.
A man with a humble spirit.