Renegade

*Viewer’s discretion is advised*

Am I wrong for this?

Allowing this darker half to begin having control over the mind.

I’ll be just like the others. Living life with no remorse. No fear. No care for feelings but my own. And maybe not even feeling anything at all.

Because fuck feelings. They do nothing but hold you back it seems. More so for me specifically.

This side goes against what I stand by. Like an alter ego. You either shun it or embrace it. When you’re in desperate need for a change, where it stands & how it stands opposite from you would become an interest to learn more. Even if it means being consumed by its ways to get the front row experience.

I would have never of thought a side like this would exist in me. It must have been building up inside from all my life choices, mistakes, the pain I’ve felt, & so forth. As a black man, this side is inescapable. I’m already called it

When I let this other side take over, I feel….free. I feel fucking free from everything. Whatever keeps me sad on the inside is blocked out. I feel no burden. My doubts & fears are eliminated & I just go.

I say what comes to mind. I don’t sugar code shit. Don’t like it? Oh the fuck well. Would you like to do something about it? Please try me, you’ll get the worst done to you for free.

A lot of muthafuckas gonna feel my wrath real rap. Can’t be nice to none of these people. Makes you an easy target to being used, played, & betrayed. And I’ll be damned if I let a person play me like a fool. I ain’t for the bullshit anymore.

I know some that know me wonder what the hell has happened to me over the years. I’m far from the person they saw me as. They aren’t in my shoes. They don’t feel my pain. They don’t know my struggle. But they will see what I became of it all.

They’ll either love me or hate me. And what’s worse is when they show fake love to you. Acting like they’re with you all the way & then end up being a turncoat behind close doors.

Still, I wouldn’t give a fuck how they feel.

Why should I? This is me, my life, my choices, my will. If I make enemies because of what I do then by all means watch when you cross me. No more mercy.

It took a lot to hold it back. There were several times where let it take over for a limited time. Because I still carried the consciousness to never let it bring about my downfall.

I was once afraid of this side taking control. It is reckless. Dangerous. Selfish. Arrogant. Yet, blunt. Unforgiving. Rebellious. And fearless. Because the only fear there should be is the fear of God. I’m not closed. I’m not afraid to stand firm against any odds even if it were to kill me. Because I ain’t going out like a little bitch. They’ll respect & honor me for staying true to my word.

Besides, this is the side of a man these days women in constantly around like anyway. See I still have a little bit of respect to not refer to them as bitches, but that’s only if they’re just outright ghetto & foolish.

I always found it unbelievable how there are women out here that’s willing to drop their panties off the strength of saying the right words to them even if we just met. I’ve seen it happen. Not literally but you get the idea. Makes me think if its that easy to get some pussy then I should join the wave. I mean, the women I’ve had relationships with claim they have standards & want a good man, but seeing them now I can see much has changed. More specifically, their body count trying to find that “good man”.

Its even more hilarious when its clear that the man they choose ain’t no good at all. The lies are so obvious. The manipulation is so devious. Kinda reminds me of…..yeah thats right. That was me. That was this side taking over. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but not to it. Because it saw a reward in the end. It was hungry for it. And it figured as long as those same tactics are used, I’d always be rewarded.

I play by my own rules. I go for what I want & get it by any means necessary. A hustler. This life & this world is a struggle as it is. There ain’t no room for the weak. Survival of the fucking fittest. And you can bet on it that I will survive.

I accepted that I am far from a saint. I accepted that I am the reason for my faults & regrets. And now I will accept what is to come about me from it all.

Will I rise or will I fall?

Lord forgive me for the future sins I am to commit. But I think its time to finally face this demon.

All I know is that I am all I got now.

 

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