From The Inside

For a while, there was this….turmoil.

Where one’s decisions & life choices would override how they are viewed.

Bringing about mixed feelings or reasons to remain distant or resorting to avoidance.

And after knowing what could have been kept hidden, you find those thoughts poking at you. Making you even wish you were never told so the thoughts would be nonexistent.

Yet, before you found out what you knew, you had other no reason to want to be distant. You saw beauty. You saw a beautiful blossom that you’d want to admire forever. You were so dazzled by it to where you ignored the thorns that were cutting your hand from holding it. Only when you noticed it were you shocked at the damage they caused.

Knowing it would hurt holding it, the more logical thing would be to drop it. Leave it alone. To save yourself from further injuries. Next time look for thorns before you pick another beautiful flower up.

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve been quick to give constructive criticism towards the path one would take for their life. I would call it an opinion, but it would turn into something more than that.

If I didn’t agree, I felt my reasons should overpower theirs. For someone to take a wrong turn, I’d believe that none of their reasoning would be logical. Like, why would you allow yourself to travel down a dark hole when you already seen the hole & could have long avoided it?

What a hypocrite.

Because I’ve allowed myself to to do the same things quite a few times. Why should I be one to judge another as if I am perfect?

So focused on what was done on the outside, all is neglected of what is from the inside.

What it was inside that led to the downfall into that dark hole that could have easily been avoided.

Maybe the fall was done purposely. Perhaps it was done to gain. It could have felt like the right thing to do. Maybe it brought about a new person that you would not have met today.

Or maybe they were just so naive, so foolish & feeble minded. Maybe criticizing them was the right thing so they can truly understand the error of their ways. Maybe to help them not make that same mistake again.

I could say the same for me. People have gave their insights towards the overview of my life choices. Some were outright foolish regardless of how much I tried to justify so I wouldn’t look foolish. Some were understandable. Reasonable. Logical. I did what was right for me. I would stand by my beliefs. And that would be admired & respected.

However, this turmoil was strong. It was the reason I would set such firm standards as to who I would most prefer to have a part of my life & how their background would strongly determine if they could be something more to me.

And I was even criticized for having this issue. Because everyone has a story. And not everyone deserves to be discriminated because of what they did in their story.

Before I knew some things, I only wanted a flower for personal gains. The beauty of it didn’t matter. There was a long-term hunger for it. The memory of the last time I had it was constantly haunting me. Every flower I’d look at the thought only wanting personal gains would be there. To feed that hunger.

And to a surprise, that hunger was fed.

But it wasn’t just what I originally wanted that was fulfilled. It was more than that.

And I was wondering if I was feeling the right feelings. Or if I should even be feeling anything at all.

I was already informed of the thorns that would come with this flower. Though, when I saw it, I saw no thorns. Only a flower I wanted to pursue. Just to have my way & drop it. Before the thorns would come intact with my realization.

I could have did it. Maybe I should have. But it would have felt wrong to do.

Doing the same thing many have done & what many continue to do to this day to flowers in the field. Only going for them for the outside yet not understanding how they blossom from the inside.

It was not until after I discovered the thorns while my hunger was being fed, did I want to drop it & move on. The thorns didn’t hurt however. More so was surprised to see how many thorns that were attached to this one. More than I would think before looking.

Seeing so many thorns, common sense would tell you to let go. But since they didn’t hurt, what was the need to drop it for? The flower was troubled due to all the thorns. Maybe since they didn’t hurt me, could I have the ability to cleanse those thorns? To help the flower bloom like ever before.

I wouldn’t let the thorns take over the thought of what I knew from the inside. Drained. Tired. Fed up. Doubtful. I know that feeling so well.

The bond I had with this one was….interesting. It was growing. I kept saying to myself that it was so unusual. But I liked it. It was different from many. And even after realizing all the thorns did it not feel any different than beforehand.

I don’t know how to exactly describe the feeling. But it all just felt good. I discovered that for the first time, I did not care about the thorns that were on the flower. I cared about what came from the inside. Who was on the inside.

As much as I claimed to pay attention to that, I have hardly stuck to my word on it. I would be one to judge as soon as I hear something I don’t approve of. No matter how long ago it was.

I didn’t this time. Even if some were to tell me otherwise why I shouldn’t hold this one. Regardless if I was to be proven right or wrong, I did not judge from the outside. Even from the inside was it as beautiful as the outside.

So now how wrong would I be to judge someone with lesser thorns when I looked beside one with the most thorns I have ever seen so far & saw greater beauty from the inside?

Incredibly wrong.

I believe that turmoil has now been broken. It is amazing how one unexpected bond could make a turmoil that had been aging in years go away in a much shorter time.

So I say….thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for your help.

All these words, thoughts, & feelings come from the inside. I won’t admit them to you, but you may soon discover what they were at the time.

You will not be forgotten.

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1 Comment

  1. the thorns contribute to making the rose a rose, they are part of it, perhaps they make it even more beautiful. Not necessarily approaching a rose or picking it means hurting yourself with its thorns, between a thorn and the other you might realize that you have the space to not hurt yourself and to understand and respect the thorns.
    The porcupine carries dangerous spines and yet it is so tender and vulnerable in its soul. If you know you respect. Finally, love is this: to love the integrity and integrity of a being and sometimes of a being like a rose, the thorns are also part. Inculcated mental patterns have convinced our minds to think of thorns as something painful so ugly, but do you live for mental patterns or to explore and understand putting yourself on the line? there was a time when I grew roses, beautiful, velvety petals, unique perfumes, and thorns were never bad or unacceptable to me. Carry this to other worlds (human, animal, cosmic) and you can experience it the same way.
    thanks for your article

    Like

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