Some wish for simple things.
Some wish for difficult things.
Some wish for immediate things.
Some wish for gradual things.
And some may wish for it all in one.
What is it that I truly wish for? What is it that I truly desire & dream to have? What is it that I want in my life more than anything that is possible?
For so many years, I thought I knew.
A new toy. An Xbox. A new game. A computer. Money. Clothes. Popularity. Love. Success.
See a pattern? Wishing for the simple things & then onto the difficult things. Wishing for things that can be immediate & then wishing for things that come gradually.
But the sad part about that is, I wished for the difficult & gradual things to be simple & immediate. And the simple & immediate things I would want more or something I believed to be better than what I wished for in the past. An improvement. Just so I can throw my previous wish away like it meant nothing. All the effort one would put into making a wish to get it, & then wish for something else.
Was I not satisfied enough? Or could I never settle? It is clear that our wants are endless whether we want to admit it or not.
However, as years go on, when the questions come to mind “what do you want for your Birthday?” or “what do you want for Christmas?”, the perfect opportunity to reveal your wishes, my wishes gradually reduced. To the point where in recent years when asked the same things I give the same response:
“I do not know what I want.”
I felt as thought I had nothing to want. Nothing that I couldn’t get myself honestly. Since I’ve become old enough to be able to get the things I want on my own without the help from anyone. To have the credibility of saying “I got it all on my own”. As great as it feels to have that accomplishment, there is no point in life where you will never need help. Nor will you be able to get everything you want on your own without help.
I let that word fly across me a lot of times.
I grew up thinking I’d be prepared for life. Thought that I’d be fine with everything I was taught from my family, even friends & things I learned through life.
I was wrong. Way wrong.
I was no where near prepared for life no matter how much I thought.
I thought I knew what I wanted to do, how I wanted to do it, & thought everything would go the way I imagined.
Without the help from anyone I should add.
One thing I never thought I’d wish for more than ever now.
I am understanding that the path I am on is not all about me walking alone. It never was to begin with. Not only has it been about maintaining faith in myself, but having faith in those around me as well. Believing that everyone has it in them to be what they want to be. To make something of themselves. Because everyone deserves a chance.
My path will carry the all in one. The simple things. The difficult things. The immediate things. And the gradual things. I no longer need to wish for that because I know it will come.
But help? That is the true wish. Because what I strive to achieve won’t be succeed alone. I thought it could be done. Maybe that was me in the selfish mind of wanting no help from anyone.
I contradicted my own self.
I wanted no help from anyone…..but only God. Because what if those that want to or have been trying to help me are the ones that God sent to do so? How could I feel as though nobody’s help would be good enough but God’s?
Maybe help was the first thing I should have been wishing for. Maybe I would have started on this path long ago or what have know what I wanted every time I was asked. Or maybe I should have wished to get out of this selfish mind to be more open to other people.
My Father referred to it as “tunnel vision”. In which I denied having, but deep inside that might have been my problem all this time. Though, I look at it as staying true to my faith & beliefs on what I want to do.
Everything I have learned throughout my life has been from the help of my family & friends. Still being alive to this day has been from the help of God. How could I really be that selfish & say I don’t want help from anyone when I’ve been getting help all my life? Especially when times like this in my life, help should be welcomed with open arms.
“So Stephon. What do you want for your 21st birthday?”
“I just want help…..”
From Nov. 2nd 1998 to the day I am released from this world, that is my only true wish.
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