Fear

I should have it all figured out by now.

I should have it all right now.

Because many others have it figured out.

And many others already have it now.

Even earlier than expected.

And if not now, it is already set for them to have it soon.

Because everyone has the right for a chance.

But what about me?

When will I have it all figured out? When will be the day where I have it all?

All my life I’ve been told to have patience. That I have potential, to keep moving forward & grinding.

But what is it leading to? Where is this suppose to take me? At what point in my life will I get all the answers?

In a few days? Months? Years? Is there even anything to look forward to? Perhaps I could be having high hopes for nothing. Could just be so naive thinking all along there was something to look forward to because of what I’ve been told all this time.

Why would I think such thing?

A constant setback I face. The lack of motivation to embrace. Rather than just run, I sit & wonder if it’s even worth winning this race?

I move forward & end up taking more than one step backwards as quick as I first moved. It’s been that way with towards a lot of things in my life.

And some setbacks were out of my control. Some were because of something I paid little to no attention to in the past & now haunts me & laughs at me as it should have been highlighted on.

Who would’ve known it would bite me in the ass later? I sure as hell did not. Nor did anyone care to think how affect the future.

Most people have a plan to what they want to do, where they want to go, & how it will get done. And that endgame goal alone is their motivation. No setback should stop them from achieving it.

“Do I have a plan?” you may ask. Well, if I say yes, then you’ll ask “what is that plan?”. And that is a prime example of a setback of mine. I see an endgame, but with no direct way. No exact strategy to achieve the goal.

The only thing I have is faith. If it is destined to happen it will happen. If not, then it will not. I’m eager to know if it will really happen or am I just wasting time thinking the unimaginable.

Maybe it’s just doubt. Maybe it’s the fear of failure. To work so hard toward something giving all my blood, sweat, & tears just to lose it all in a blink. Maybe it’s the fear of dying in the process of doing it all.

Maybe I’m just a coward that’s afraid to admit that.

Maybe that’s all I am. So much I want to say. So much I want to do. But the cowardice in me tries to silence my faith.

And without faith, hope is decimated.

There’s a war that’s been going on within me. A legendary one to be honest.

Fear has been winning for so long. Fear has kept me from wanting to move far. Fear is what makes me question my existence. Because if I’m so afraid to move what am I here to do? Just allow it to run rampant in my mind til the day I decide to off myself to end it?

If I have faith there should never be any fear.

But bullets have no name. Incurable sicknesses show no mercy. Who’s to say the person next to me doesn’t have an urge to kill? The urge to commit mass murder as my final eye sight? Who’s to say that urge to kill wouldn’t stem from the color of my skin? What if I lose loved ones in the process? What if I change into the kind of person I swore I’d never become? What if I become injured, weakened, to where it becomes a hindrance? What if I gain everything & then lose everything? What if I follow the wrong advice & be deceived. What if one false move becomes the very reason why I can’t make it?

All this awareness is a curse to me. Because it amplifies the fear in me. That is why it’s been near in victory so many times.

I am no saint. I am not immune to temptation. I am not impervious to hate & anger. I am not resistant to evil intent if my survival is at stake.

Feels like I’ve known the Lucifer effect since I was born. I see why people choose the easy way out now.

I will never resort to that. Because there is fear of the consequences for doing that.

When will I be free of this?

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