Nothing has been the same since you left.
I am far from myself.
Trying to be things I feel I cannot.
It isn’t what you would want from me.
You knew the real me. You had accepted it with open arms & wanted me to stay that way. It was something that should have been so easy to do.
In fact it was.
But it was not easy for me somehow.
Incompetent I am for failing to do a simple task.
How I wish I could revert to that last time we spoke. Had I known it would be the final time, my words would be rearranged to keep you. To give myself a final chance to prove myself.
Every time I look back I that day, I consider it one of my biggest failures.
Because time after that has me filled with so much regret for all of my failures in the past.
I cannot remember the last time I was genuinely happy since. I had trapped myself in a cell for a while thinking it was where I deserved to be. As if my failures in life were like committing crimes. I eventually broke free, taking on a new path in life. But to think of what could have been if I didn’t lose you, haunts me to the core.
Because all I had to do was not change. To maintain the real me you knew & accepted. I thought I had it all figured out when you were here. And I thought you leaving was never a possibility.
We had made that clear at one point. “Til death do us part”. The death of the real me did do us part. I slowly killed him off & you saw it first hand. I had the blood stains all over me & still wanted you to be here.
How insane. It would be a cold day in hell before you decide to love a murderer.
You left without a goodbye. A farewell. A sign that you would one day return in the distant future. You left & I had no choice but to accept it just as you accepted that I was a murderer.
I cannot trust a single soul. No other person the way I trusted you. I cannot feel the same towards anyone like I did with you.
I always felt that there was some way I could redeem myself & earn everything I lost back.
But everything I lost seems to be gone for good. Like a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why couldn’t I have known that from the beginning? I just can’t stand it. I should have seen the signs that I was given chance after chance for redemption.
I can’t get that time back. I won’t ever have that last chance again. My regrets are constantly haunting me. My heart is empty. My trust in anyone is dead like my old self.
I just want to know when I will be freed from all of this. Because now I wish I never met you for any of this to happen. Yet, who’s to say not meeting you wouldn’t have made certain courses of events happen by you being present & then now a memory? I cannot decide if meeting you was a mistake or was it destined.
Was I destined to lose you? Was I destined to fall like this?
When I get back up, will all of this be gone? Will I be truly redeemed & see you again?
I am trying. I’ve been trying all this time. I just want you to somehow know that I have been trying. I want to know if you haven’t truly forgotten me. I want to know if you have truly forgiven me for my fall.
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