Is it my own fault as to why I have yet to experience genuine love again?
I’ve seen it. I’ve had it. Felt it. And even lost it.
I wasn’t so deserving of it.
Hell maybe I still ain’t so deserving of it. But I have only myself to blame for feeling this way.
Its not like I absolutely do not want to ever get rid of this selfishness & be able to truly commit to trusting someone. There were times I felt like I could finally do it. But then the sudden flashbacks & reminders haunt you. Yet, maybe you’d believe them to be there for a reason. To save you from another demise.
But why would one believe every possibility will guarantee a demise? Why can’t it just be something that is completely safe to give time to? To give full undivided attention to. And to give your heart to.
You would want reassurance every time to know that you are making the right decision. Which can wind up becoming annoying & frustrating to some. Because they give no reason to not be trusted. They try their absolute best to be as truthful & upfront to you.
But you still have something telling you that there are ulterior motives that they continue to hide so well. Once revealed, will it reveal the alleged deceiver they’ve been all along to you.
But funny that I call out on one being a deceiver…..when I have no room to make that claim first. Attempting to anticipate your opponent, may you initiate a first & sudden strike to take the lead.
A strike that is painful to them & painless to you.
All because you assumed they would do the same to you first had you not. Survival of the fittest.
But unbeknownst to you, they don’t want to treat this like a war zone. They don’t want to be labeled as a deceiver or someone that is automatically judged based off a belief or what may have been done in the past. You bring out a good side in them that is meant to negate all of that & make you feel special to have witnessed it up close & personal.
Yet, it couldn’t be so special since its likely that others have witnessed it too.
But they weren’t deserving of it. It is OK to fail. Because it is just a victory in the making. You were suppose to be that victory to them. You were suppose to be the one that makes them believe the war they’ve been going through before you is finally over.
But you want to believe they still have a little fight left in them to bring war upon you.
I….I gotta get these thoughts outta my head.
This right here is the very reason why my heart has been so complicated these past few years. Maybe its because of the shadow that has been over it because of what I did in the past that will not go away. Why am I the one with complicated trust when I am the very reason why some people have complicated trust?
Maybe its a hidden fear of karma for my actions. That every new possibility will be a guaranteed demise for the trouble I caused. Even if I was to show a changed & improved me that learned my lessons & seek redemption.
They always say that you’ll know when you’ve met “the one”. You’ll have that feeling where you lose all fear of what could be done. You let everything go to make yourself at its most vulnerable. And then you’ll see how they accept you & the troubled heart that you carried for so long so it can be healed. Nurtured. And revived.
Its weird because I’ve seen people my age in long lasting relationships & some have even became married. A good friend of mine who was married last year that I also was a part of as his groomsmen had said to me:
“If we didn’t think this was a good idea, we wouldn’t be here today.”
And that is right. Only they could make a choice like that if it was necessary for them. Whatever they went through, whatever they thought would break them, brought them closer & closer each day to that one special day. Must be nice to have it like that.
Is it wrong to be so selfish?
Or is it right to not be so careless?
I don’t want my heart to continue to face these complications.
But I do not want my mind to be correct on what I fear.
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