Raw

I am not okay.

I have a lot of things to say.

But there isn’t enough hours in the day.

So I have to find a way.

Or go away.

But nah I’d rather stay.

Because my faith won’t decay.

So I am to be okay.

Evolution is a beautiful & dangerous balance. Seeing the growth of life, how one can transform into the virtuous or the wicked in a vice versa manner. How one can become powerful for control or powerless for peace. How fate can already determine what was meant to happen while you considered it senseless.

How what is interpreted to be senseless evolves to usefulness in ways you weren’t meant to know of until the time.

Have you ever been so eager to find some sort of sign that will give you the clues to determining what your possible fates are?

Like the possibilities of you becoming successful in life. Yet, in your mind you may look at success only as the amount of dollar signs by your name & the clout you gain. Nothing else matters unless its meant to bring big bucks or can get you on a spotlight. Is that what you believe your life should be? Because if that’s the case then I’m 100% sure there are others with that same type of mindset.

But would each & every one of you be truly deserving of that endgame?

Absolutely not.

Oh I’m lying?

You think you’re such a good person? Even the brightest of people turned dark after a bit of sparkle hit them. You think you’d be any different? None are immune to temptation. It can be a life or death situation. Either you act or don’t act. You find out the results from it either immediately or in the distant future.

I cannot say it is something I do not dream of myself. But is that destined for me? I am not suppose to know until it happens. Maybe it may happen as a chance to see if I am a man of my word & promises. Which people fail to plan accordingly on numerous occasions.

Do I deserve a successful life? I don’t think we ask ourselves that enough. We just automatically assume we are deserving of it because it is what we desire. No matter what we do, in the end we want to be successful.

Is there anyone out there that deliberately WANTS to be a failure? Completely failing at everything they do as if it is such a thrill for them. No progress gained in life, no faith in their abilities, believing the path of nothingness is there’s to walk.

Or what if it was destined for me to fall to someone else even after believing I was to live a long & healthy life? As long as I was to stay out of trouble, focus on my aspiring goals, & remain positive, I should always be fine right?

Nah, I gotta worry about the muthafucka down the street that might wanna end my existence just because I’m living peacefully. With this skin I may add.

“In case of emergency, call 911”. Ahh, but their response is slow. I’m already under attack attempting to defend myself. Lets see the outcomes.

If I kill out of self defense, I will be punished according to the law. Even though a plentiful selective amount have skated away with no punishment but only notoriety. Forever known as a murderer. Destroy my character for society.

If I am killed, justice upon my innocent life will be close but possibly to no avail however. Did I deserve that untimely death? Well the media will showcase my face & history & then the people will determine if it was deserved. While those who fight know it was undeserved, those who laugh & applaud the killer see it to be deserved from maybe a past screw up. As if humans are not suppose to make mistakes. ESPECIALLY the minority.

How do you sleep at night knowing you committed murder for an unjust reason? How do you live with yourself as a person who murders all those without your skin? You think you’re some kind of exterminator? A savior to your people? Ridding the world of the scum & vermin? Have they impeded your life? Hurt your family? Nearly killed you? Fuck you for ever thinking yourself to be a chosen disciple of extermination.

If I ever call the police or get approached by them, I could end up with a knee on my neck, my back, & a foot in my ass. I could end up with 6 warning shots in my body when I tried to “get on the ground” nice & slowly.

IMAGINE GUNS STILL BEING POINTED AT MY BODY FILLED WITH BULLET HOLES & BLOOD! AS IF I WAS TO MAGICALLY GET UP & START ATTACKING.

I could wind up dead because I sneezed & it startled their life. If I so help me give them any reason to start interrogating for a reason to prosecute me, my name is now part of the system. Attempting to reason with authority comes off as “resisting”.

But we knew that already didn’t we?

The bare minimum of crimes can become my demise. I have to be PERFECT to live.

Nah it is funny because even if I were to be a perfect law abiding citizen, it is assumed that I may not be abiding the law underneath them. As if I am always hiding a darker side of me.

The “Nigga” side to be exact. They think that’s what I have. What all African Americans have. We must be shutdown, we must be prosecuted when innocent & be executed when rebelling. We are nothing but animals. We have no say. We have no rights. We are not suppose to fight.

Where is the “justice for all” part of the pledge? Yes, it is in fine print, but where is it? Where do you see it being invoked? Where can you find a time where there was justice for each & every person? Please do tell in fine detail because I never saw a damn thing. I must’ve missed that class.

So if you’ve realized that its impossible to find a time, you see that statement to be void now. It has no value, no life. It is there just to look pretty & fill the page.

No justice….no peace.

But I refuse to condone desolation. No matter how angry. No matter how hurt. It furthermore adds fuel to the everlasting fire of hate. Where is the structure? Where is the leadership? We all stand together for one true purpose. We each have a voice that combined together can be heard across the world. You can immediately tell who is there for a cause, & who is there just to add noise around the cause. Unnecessary noise to be exact.

It ain’t hard to tell why we’ve been losing. Why we’re still facing immovable impediments. The way we move is NOTHING compared to our pasts. They way they moved was what brought change. It was revealed how powerful they were with the fact that the matter was treated like a warfare. With those who opposed taking drastic measures to sabotage the movements.

They were valiant. Persistent. Consistent. Honorable soldiers for the culture. There is no denying the structure that was founded from the ground up even through as many impediments as issued upon each & every one of them.

And now look at us. Dysfunctional. Allowing ourselves to be spoon-fed just to keep quiet. Deciding to be a menace to society even to our own. Not even trying to apply ourselves in any way to leverage our lives & not be a product to the environment. Not uplifting each other enough but rather rebuttal & criticize. All of this, but with no courage to carry on the traditions that generations have made to keep our very existence relevant.

I was part of it for the first time. I never thought I’d see a day like that. It felt like a glimpse of the past. Rallying together in unity because of our combined frustration. Diverse. We made sure we was heard just as everyone else across the world. It was exhilarating. This wasn’t just about the police, but about the system, the crooked, the villainous racists that get away with malicious intent.

Disrupting the community to deliver a message. Impeding traffic to let people know we are tired. As angry as they were that they were blocked, is the same level of anger they can connect to the issue. We’ve tried peaceful protesting in numerous ways. But somehow it was deemed to be “the wrong way” to protest.

Taking a knee during the anthem was so disrespectful to the country? I guess that makes sense?

However, in the midst of being among the crowd, I could easily tell who was there for the cause & who was there to make noise. Like I said, it wasn’t hard to tell. There was no true leader. Nobody in the very front of this. The front line was for the alphas of the pack. The ones that were ready to go to war straight up with no coordination. You could tell their energy about this was personal, but no sense of direction on how to confront the tyranny.

We fuck shit up that is how. Lets desolate the city that we live in. The city so many grew up in. We will express our anger through breakin’ shit & takin’ shit cuz we hate the shit. All while having a good laugh about it in the process.

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But you also see the difference in how police across the world respond. Those that know of the corruption in the force allow the people to voice their frustration. As long as it doesn’t get far too out of hand & violent.

And then those that are part of the problem & even proudly show it. Attacking those who never struck first. Heckling & provoking the peaceful. Those that also stand nonchalant to the matter on the side just trying to do their job & get paid.

I was yet to see tragedy strike while I was present. And I thank God it did not happen. But I grew very disappointed with what I witnessed. I know business owners on this block will forever be damaged that their hard work has been crushed & seized all because of this continuing injustice. Our lives have been tampered with for too long to where now everything around us will feel our wrath.

I….for some reason keep feeling ashamed of myself. That I didn’t take the role of leadership to reveal my voice about how this shit had nothing to do with the message. That it was too fucking extra, unnecessary & that we all should be grateful that none of our asses was under attack. All the niggas out there uneducated, doing it all for style points & clout. Absolute zero regards to how all that shit would be cleaned up. No one took that initiative to raise their voices to the foolish noise makers & make them sit & listen to a true leader to direct them on how this protest should be.

But a young brother is just a young brother to the eyes of some. Who wouldn’t give a damn about what I’d have to say & express their anger how they want. They are entitled to their choice, & I cannot control that.

I know I’m not alone in this case. I heard many call out people to chill as they took it to extreme levels. But that was it. Not physically standing in front of them to stop them in their tracks. Maybe I could have, but I would not have ended well I’m sure. But maybe that would have sparked some people to join me & make a stand together to tame the wild ones. That is how it was done in the past. What stopped that process? Have we all been living too comfortable to be a voice of reason? Standing to the side of the problem just like the nonchalant police & eye witnesses do?

Look at that hypocrisy.

And until everyone realizes that will we start holding ourselves way more accountable than ever before. We have to look at ourselves & start going about our lives the right way, the world can see the clear corruption. We cannot take a halt & have a dose of daily dumb shit. We give cops a reason to shoot because we shoot each other as part of the daily dumb shit. If we don’t give a fuck about each other’s lives, why the fuck would they think we’d give a fuck about there’s?

We cannot just sit & expect someone to eventually take leadership in this when nobody will step forward to walk those steps.

Well, there is an ultimate sacrifice to become that in the end. Your life.

Your life is on the line for the cause as you are willing to guide the people through the tunnel the way you envision & have everyone collectively on the same page to maintain that energy until “justice for all” is successfully met. And if it has to carry onto future generations to continue the legacy then so be it. It has been done & set for us to continue.

Do I have the courage to take that? I could. I want to. But if I die in the process will my spirit pass on to another to continue the vision?

The world is crying out in pain.

This is a new revolution.

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17 Comments

  1. That is so well said I can’t say I don’t agree, this is the pain and disappointment this world witnesses every day that passes. Yet another truly remarkable piece by a man I appreciate the most. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Absolutely stunning, amazing, wonderful piece. So so so good. Thank you. You have a true gift. I’m so grateful you share it here. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was amazing. Im crying with this and have shared it on my socials. Please stay safe with all that is going on right now and just know you have allies fighting as hard as we can. I know that doesn’t change what you have to live through it’s injustice that you have to go through life this way. But just know I see you… I hear you…I fight for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Steph – You write honesty and authentically. You have a good heart, and I do see the potential in you to lead. To be one of those who teach us how to change and make the changes our country needs. Keep asking the questions and showing up. Your voice is important and your life matters. May God protect you and lead you. Grateful to have read your post.

    Liked by 1 person

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