I have fears.
But I am not afraid of them.
Because I am the master of my faith.
I control the horizontal & the vertical of my will.
And my courage is indomitable.
For so long, I felt my mind was trapped in a trance. Where I was to look at myself behind bars for all my wrong doings.
For the lies I’ve ever told.
The lives I’ve ever decimated, manipulated, I viewed myself as a saint before I realized I had fallen a long time ago.
For so long, was my mind facing constant worry of the negatives in life. Wondering when or if the worst of things would come after my every step.
For so long, was I constantly worrying about the perception of me. How the world would look at me when my name shows across the board. How the representation of me could open or close opportunities behind the scenes.
For so long, I had thought I was alone. Believing there wasn’t a single soul that would understand the mind I carry. Why it thinks & feels the way it does. Why it carries so much awareness of every detail of my surroundings.
I looked at it as a curse. Partially still believe that it could be that.
But overtime, it feels like I’ve grown to adapt to this. There are so many things that run through my mind on a regular basis to where there is no denying that this will forever be a norm.
At one point, I cared too much of what people thought of me. I let the opinions of others affect me to where I made decisions based off of how I’d think people would react. Or so that I wouldn’t be judged or looked the wrong way.
There is no denying I am a different soul. One of a kind in more ways than one.
I am understanding how to not allow thoughts to control my judgement. For as they could be impeding on what is destined to happen.
I am understanding the true meaning of acceptance. Being aware that there must be a balance of good & evil. Things that happen serve a purpose for either the now or the later. It is all part of the cycle of life.
I am no longer afraid of whatever bad things or points that may come about my life. Failure was my nightmare. But I could only live in it so long as I kept thinking I’d be that. Yet, my awareness makes me see what true failure looks like in a person. And I have always been far from that.
I am no longer trapped with burdens of my past. Those burdens shaped the face before thee. You either accept that yourself or continue to let my demeanor make you misunderstand me.
But that is OK.
Maybe I am not meant to be understood now. Maybe you’re not ready to understand me. And I don’t say that to place myself on a higher pedestal. Because there are things even I don’t understand about myself yet. Vice versa.
Maybe the pieces would come together for you slowly when my presence on this world ceases to exist.
I lost the love of my life due to being a boy. A boy with a virtuous heart but a dangerous mind. The two that result in the greatest battles within all of us humans. I knew she had to have been the love of my life because of the long term effect her influence has been on me since she arrived & left. The thought & worry of someone you could never speak to again consumes you inside. Because the flashback of the very last day we spoke makes me paint so many different scenarios as to what I could have done differently or what I could have re-framed from doing that caused everything. A foolish boy who thought it wasn’t possible to be left.
From that point on, did I feel a superior change in my soul. I did not want to accept what had happened. Nor did I want to accept that I was the cause of this pain.
But I was. No justifications whatsoever.
And I was the cause to the pain of others at times as well. Often neglected that, or let my feelings override that.
And denying the allegations was all I could do. Being a boy never truly owning up to his faults. Only changing the approach to the scenario to make the situation favor me.
But, why desperately try to figure out why I am this way & why things are the way they are when you can do one simple thing….
And not accept things as if you are satisfied with what you are & whats around you. But accepting it to show that you are aware, that you understand, & that you have full control over this matter because it all ties to “you” still.
“Your perception of reality will always shape how you decide to live.”
– Steph J Millz
If you fear the reality you’re in, you will live in fear.
If you hate the reality you’re in, you will live in hate.
If you love the reality you’re in, you will live in love.
If you embrace the reality you’re in, you will live in confidence.
If you manipulate the reality you’re in, you will live in your creation.
Its hard to accept that things were so much easier when you didn’t have the capabilities of understanding reality yet. But it is the brutal truth.
At the very start of our lives, we understood nothing. But all we could do was adapt.
At the very start of our lives, we go from everything being done by another & handed to us, to doing it all ourselves with no help if possible.
And then when you realize we go from being catered to being independent, but then grow tired of being independent so we search to be catered again. Having the work be done for us when we have all the capabilities of doing it as well. Maybe one had unlocked their capabilities before you to where you’d want to manipulate the mind to work for you, not with you.
Because working with you means you are committing to being responsible for work destined for you despite having a partner or team.
Instead, why should you have to do work you didn’t allow yourself to be qualified for, when someone next to you can be used with a little act of kindness & deception.
But it is all part of the balance needed for world stability. You have to have these negative acts as they pose as a sacrifice to the initiation of an even greater act to thwart the negative.
And thus my saying goes….
If you accept the reality you are in, you will live in freedom.
Because you are aware that you control your destiny in the reality you’re in no matter what. Every thought, feeling, emotion all starts as a leading tool to what your decision will be. You are free from the retrains of worrying about the surroundings of your reality & your decisions will solely be what you feel is best for you. You will welcome both the good & the bad & adapt to either circumstance knowing that nothing lasts forever as part of the balance.
When a spree of good things happen, don’t think you are immune to the unexpected bad things.
And when a spree of bad things happen, remember that there is always an eye in every storm. The grace period that reminds you why you should always have faith. Why you should empower your will. And why you should maintain your courage.
And thus my saying goes….
If you accept the reality you are in, you will live in freedom….