I wake up everyday to the trauma that never left my soul. I lost my mother, my father & my brothers in a single session. I was innocent, though not a perfect child. We each come with flaws & all. Do the flaws I carry prove to be the reasons why I was destined to lose them? Or do the flaws I carry prove to be the reasons why I may be destined for a greater good following the lost of my beloved ones?
The folder remains unopened. I took it home but placed it in the last drawer of my dresser. Of course the urge to open it stands. But I have to decide if I am ultimately ready to go down that road. For as I am only a mere child still despite being 18 years of age. A legal adult to the eyes of everyone around me.
My aunt & her husband takes care of me as best as they can. They got me a car after I passed my DMV class in school. They made sure to check on my mental health every now & then to understand how I found ways to cope with my long lasting pain. Music played a part. J. Cole & the underrated Kur to be exact.
Not only was it music, but rather than always talk out my problems which was a struggle, I figured out that writing them out was the best way to cope with a silent war within myself. To write it down, see my feelings written out but not spoken was refreshing. I could hide everything I put on paper & nobody would ever know unless they found them. A fear I had of my aunt & her husband seeing them & making me have to speak out on what they’ve read. And some of the things I’ve written were deadly.
My family always tells me that I can talk to them about anything. But a lot of times I see them busy. Working, living, maintaining their sanity through the chaotic world because they see a greater good for themselves & their children. I sometimes want to think that maybe I played an inspiration to them all being the 1st child that everyone got to experience & contribute to raising while they were mere children growing up themselves. But I could be wrong in the inspiration part. Maybe they were inspired by some other sources to have kids or know right from wrong from other experiences in life rather than from what happened around mine. I like to think the good sometimes, but the bad comes just as equally.
Social media became the new norm for people expressing their pain or creating more pain. The war people have within themselves are amplified by what they see before them. The success & struggle of people they see dictate their choices.
They see successful people & assume they are successful because they did good things to deserve it. They worked hard, got through all their excuses & bullshit to then see the path they dreamed.
They see struggling people & assume they are struggling because they did bad things to deserve it. They denied work, they kept making all kinds of excuses to increase their bullshit & continue to not understand why the path they’ve walked has continuously hurt them & will not stop unless they make a change or end their suffering the one & only way.
And then there is the center line. The choice one must manifest after seeing the two sides. Because they may understand the flip side to each of the two sides.
They can see that the successful people they assume did good to be that maybe took a dive in the struggle fountain first to obtain knowledge & inner peace so they would not be consumed by struggle should it happen to them. Or maybe they received success as a gift, & was required to not abuse that gift & utilize it in a positive manner. But as they fail time after time when given chances to redeem thyself, they set a path to their downfall. And it never fails.
They can see that the struggling people they assume did bad maybe never deserved the struggle they’ve faced, but was rather unlucky. But the choices they choose will ultimately make them realize their struggle was meant to make them stronger so that way when it is time to walk the path of success, they will be more than ready to accept all that is around them to reach what was destined for them because they proved it to be. And it never fails.
I never thought this way or even cared to do so. But taking the folder that may have all the answer I searched for at one point inside me, has brought me to the crossroads.
My father was a noble man. He fulfilled his duty as a father, he did all he could to make sure the family was stable, endured all kinds of suffering early to understand how to keep stability as his side at all times. But he indeed had his flaws. Flaws that only my mother saw within him. Like a crooked side of my father than only a selective few could truly see.
My mother was a charismatic woman. She had so many talents, such as being a remarkable singer & also enduring a level of suffering in her life to help her understand the value of life & what it means to believe in yourself while against the odds. She made sure her children understood that which was why she always told us the thought of her 3 sons never left her mind whenever she left the house. She had her flaws as well, but none would overcome how she loved her children equally.
My brothers were my mother’s doing & not my father’s. I was the only one that was tied to my father. And while they never understood why, they accepted that a true father would never disappear from his children. Or have a lack of care to nurture them at all times. They were hardheaded which was natural that they’d be. But they were children that were still growing trying to find themselves while watching me find myself first to take inspiration.
And then there is me. Like the unexpected chosen one, I am placed at a decision between doing whats right, or doing what I feel is right. Which is often confusing to figure out because of the bad outcomes with choices in life. How do we know that what we do is good if we see no good from it? Maybe not visually before us, but morally & internally there still can be good or bad done just by choices. I am not perfect nor am I a saint. I come with a corrupted mind just as others have from the corruption around us all. But those that have done wicked things to me should not be able to go unpunished.
Yes, I know that in time they will deal with the repercussions of their actions. But, there must be an act done to initiate their suffering. Like a…..smite.
A powerful well-deserved smite from the one with the power to inflict it….
Edge of Sanity – Chapter I
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